I get by with a little help from my friends.
Hello friends,
In 1994 I was 23 an alcoholic/addict and had no direction in life. Through a number of circumstances I ended up in a treatment center for alcohol and drug abuse. Fortunately this was the last time in my life that I have had to use drugs or alcohol. August 17th 1994 was the first day that I started living a sober life and is my sobriety birthday/anniversary.
When I was in treatment I was able to discover some extremely valuable information about myself. After being there for about 10 days I was finally feeling a bit better and not shaking so much. We had a counselor who was an outward bound instructor. His name was Jeff, 5 ft. 10, long black hair all one length, pulled back in a pony tail. He had the scruff of a three day beard with a goatee, you could tell he was strong and had the slim body of a climber. He was a guy who looked like he belonged on a climbing wall suspended by rope high above the ground. Jeff would have the group go through a sort of outward bound program with trust falls, zip lines and challenges that took teamwork, strategy and effort.
One day he had us all blindfolded and begrudgingly we were taken down to a wooded area on the property. We were put into a rope maze fixed between the trees. We were challenged and directed to find the exit of the maze. I new in my mind this would be easy. I had one hand in front of me and the other on a rope and started. Making my way around the maze I felt pretty confident. There were about 16 of us in the group and after a few minutes I heard someone exclaim that they were out of the maze. I new the guy who was out and thought to myself egotistically "How did he get out before me!" I kept going around and came to a place where I thought I found the exit, I put my hands up and started running out like I was at the finish line then, the rope caught my waist and I doubled over. I was not out at all. I kept hearing people find the exit and I grew more frustrated and angry. I was getting resentful at the others who were successful and disappointed in myself. This continued on for a while, I kept going around and around for what seemed like an hour. I had to be missing something but had no idea what I was doing wrong. It was just a guy named Andy and myself still in the maze struggling. We could not find our way out as hard as we tried.
I was moving though faster now and new I just had to go around a few more times to find the exit. I forgot to keep my hands up and ran into a tree. The sting of that collision had me in a daze. Now angry, disappointed, frustrated, in pain and defeated I had given up. I threw up my hands and said "Would somebody help me get out!" Calmly the counselor Jeff came over and asked me to remove my blindfold. He whispered in my ear "come out of the maze the way out was asking for help." My heart sank...then silence. This was one of the worst feelings I have ever had and I could feel my cohorts looking at me with sadness and judgment. Andy never gave up and stayed in the maze until they told him how to exit.
What a profound day that was for me. In life there are key moments that really change you or bring enlightenment. A graduation, death of a loved one, or just life experience over all. When I look back at lessons I have learned, that really changed my perspective, this one was profound and telling. I realized as I looked back on my life I always was trying to do it all myself. I would get a hole dug so deep that I could not get out. That is what alcoholism and addiction were to me a giant hole. I had dug the pit and could not climb out of it, without help.
What my experience taught me is that we all need help and I treasure the fact that I am able to ask for help today. It was a painful lesson but one of the best changes in my life. So many situations in life I can't do on my own but "we" can together. Even with something like running, mountain climbing or a sport where it is you against the obstacle or yourself. A coach, a team mate or trainer will help if you ask them and I bet you will be more successful. I find my life is so much more fulfilling when I involve others. I learn more and have significantly more successful outcomes. The other piece is that when I do ask for help my unselfishness allows someone else the chance to be there for me. I can't tell you how much fulfillment I get from helping someone else at work, in recovery, family or life in general. It is so important to help and be helped in life.
Five Tips I have used to ask for help:
- Be Humble and gracious.
- Be specific about what you need help with and make it collaborative. Communication will make the situation much more smooth and success will be the byproduct.
- Don't apologize for asking for help. This is not a negative thing, we all need help at times and this will be a positive situation.
- Stay focused just don't drop what your are asking help for and walk away. Stay with it and try your hardest. Put in the effort.
- Thank them for helping you and praise them for being there for you. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Make it public and tell others how they helped.
When I disclose the fact that I am a recovering alcoholic/addict to people I get a lot of praise, support and astonishment. The fact is I was not able to get recovery on my own. I had a ton of help, spiritual connection, great parents, family, sponsor and friends all helped me on my path. I look back on how the past 31 years of sobriety have been for me and I am grateful. I am fond of my journey and look at my accomplishments with a kind smile. I would not give up or change any part. I have received so much from each step I have taken. And I got by with a a lot of help from my friends.
Matthew Tepoorten